Why You Need To Stop Looking For Red Flags
Don't stop seeing them. Stop looking for them.
Let’s talk about this Tik Tok for a second.
The creator is talking about how, once you reach a certain level of awareness and attunement, you find yourself better able to spot the signs of toxic behavior and walk away before getting invested.
On the surface this sounds ideal. Who wouldn’t want to save copious amounts of time on people with the potential to drag us down?
Someone in the comments of one my posts recently asked if it was possible to become so self-aware and savvy that you couldn’t date anyone because you see all their red flags.
The answer is Yes. A resounding YES.
Please understand something. Achieving the level of intuitiveness and self-awareness it requires to read people so exceptionally well is not easy. Usually, it’s a result of experiencing hardship and trauma. I know for a fact that my insight is a by-product of having to be self-sufficient at a very young age. The only way I knew how to be safe was to pay attention to what was going on around (and inside of) me.
When you become hyper-attuned to other people it’s impossible not to anticipate their next move. It becomes your default. The downside of that is you see red flags every where.
Sherlock Holmes : It has its costs.
Dr. Joan Watson : What does?
Sherlock Holmes : Learning to see the puzzle in everything. They're everywhere. Once you start looking, it's impossible to stop. It just so happens that people, with all the deceits and illusions that inform everything they do, tend to be the most fascinating puzzles of all. Of course, they don't always appreciate being seen as such.
Dr. Joan Watson : Seems like a lonely way to live.
Sherlock Holmes : As I said. Has its costs.
I lived a very lonely life for a very long time because I saw the puzzle in everything. It took a long time for me to admit that I was seeing those red flags because I was looking for them. Not just the flags themselves but for a reason to keep to myself. I was seeing monsters everywhere as a coping strategy. It helped keep me safe.
That savvy is a double-edged sword.
You never want to get to the point where you are high-tailing it out of a date because of one red flag. You don’t want to be someone that rejects a person at the first sign of a flaw.
People are complex. We have layers both good and bad. Healthy and toxic. One person’s toxic behavior is another’s coping mechanism. What’s needed to decide if that red flag is actually a red flag is context. Don’t discount the importance of nuance. (Never ignore feelings of fear, of course.)
If you need every question answered by the end of the first date - when was their last relationship, what are they looking for, are they just looking for sex - you will end up throwing everybody into the discard bin. I assure you, there will be some gems mixed in with the trash.
You need to be willing to invest time in getting to know someone. You also need to allow yourself to make a few mistakes. Okay, so you gave someone the benefit of the doubt when you shouldn’t have. Who hasn’t?! People fuck up. The key is to learn from the mistake and implement that lesson the next time around.
You’re not always going to get it right the first time.
And that’s okay.
In fact the more chances you take, the more savvy you’ll become. Without those error in judgments you won’t have a baseline to use for comparison. So put yourself out there however you feel safe.
Nullum praemium periculo. Without risk there is no reward.