Why Do Men Pull Away When Things Are Getting Serious?
There’s a dating coach on TikTok that claims when a man first falls in love with you his testosterone goes down so he ghosts you for two weeks because he needs time to recharge but after that he’ll come back to fully commit to you and it’s proven by science. What do you think about this? Is this true?
The Pull-Away Phase is not a thing.
Let’s be very clear: Nobody truly interested in a relationship and who’s emotionally available ghosts you for any amount of time. They might go a day or two without contacting you in the beginning, as in the first few weeks. That has little to do with testosterone and more to do with them having a life.
Google “Pull-away phase dating” and a slew of articles will pop up.
Why Men Pull Away: A Complete Guide For Women
10 Common Reasons Why Men Pull Away In The Early Stages Of Dating
Why Men Pull Away in Early Stages of Dating
If you read each one, you’ll see that none of the reasons to explain why a man goes no-contact for a few days (let alone two weeks!) are particularly reassuring.
Intentionally ghosting for any amount of time is done by men who are dating someone else; want to set the pace of the relationship regardless of your goals and intentions; aren’t sure if there’s long-term potential; or want to starve you of attention (and dopamine) in order to manipulate you. Any man who pulls this bullshit is not emotionally healthy or mature enough for a relationship.
Encouraging women to see this “pull-away phase” as normal is setting them up for failure. Here we go again with dating coaches dispensing advice that ultimately only serves men. We should be encouraging women to draw a hard line in the sand and refuse to accept behavior like this.
This phony factoid is similar to the Post-Nut Clarity concept where men only know how they feel about a woman after they have sex with them. Huh. How convenient.
Okay. Rant over. Now let’s talk science.
First, if you decide to research this topic yourself and come across an article that states men and women are wired differently, throw your entire laptop in the trash and set it on fire. Men and women are not wired differently. The difference is in how we are socially conditioned.
Now, I assume the science you’re referring to in your question is the belief during the attachment phase we produce more oxytocin and that leads to a decrease in testosterone. While this might be true, it’s critical to understand two things:
Men are not a monolith. They don’t all produce the same amount of testosterone.
Human behavior is not based on Biology alone. Psychological and Environmental factors play an equally important role.
When a man’s testosterone surges he’s prone to aggression. Yet most men still manage to keep that aggression in check. Why? Because there are laws against punching someone in the face for cutting you in line at Starbucks. Most men know acting on that aggression in a harmful way is wrong. Just like they know it’s probably counterintuitive to go radio silent on someone they truly like and with whom they think there’s long-term compatibility.
There is a myriad of causes for fluctuations in testosterone levels. To name a few: Masturbation. Alcohol. Stress. Diet. Mood regulating medications. At any given time, a man can experience a sudden drop in testosterone. They still manage to do their jobs and interact socially. They don’t have to hibernate for two weeks to properly function. Like women who adjust to the surge and sudden drop of estrogen when we have our period, men learn to navigate changes in their testosterone and act accordingly.
All of this is to say, at no time should we normalize bad behavior by blaming our hormones. Women certainly don’t get away with that, do they? So let’s not give men that leg up.
Pulling away is bad behavior, even if it’s done out of confusion or unsureness. It’s a sign someone lacks proper communication skills and attunement and probably won’t make a great partner.
Excellent article!