There’s a burgeoning social media trend giving me the ick, and we need to talk about it.
There’s a specific type of man on popular internet platforms that doesn’t immediately set off alarm bells. He’s not loud, he’s not aggressive, and he’s definitely not overtly creepy. If anything, he comes across as thoughtful. Self-aware. Maybe even a little wounded. He talks openly about his struggles, reflects on his past, and seems genuinely invested in understanding himself.
His demeanor is often mild-mannered and soft-spoken. He’s a nice guy, but not a Nice Guy (TM) if you get my drift. By that I mean he’s emotionally attuned and intelligent but, like, with an edge. The kind of guy many women who date men wish they could match with on a dating app. On the surface, he looks like the exact kind of man women say they want more of. Here’s where the aforementioned Ick presents itself.
This type of man overshares to an uncomfortable degree. Not in a sexually gratuitous way or in a manner that feels inappropriate. I’m talking straight-up trauma dumping.
They’re what Carrie Bradshaw might call emotionally slutty.
Before I go further, let’s clarify terms. To me, being emotionally slutty isn’t the same as socially inappropriate oversharing. We all have moments where anxiety, past trauma, or neurodivergence lead us to overshare without expecting anything in return. What I’m describing, however, is a more transactional, manipulative form of emotional openness. (Think Therapy Jeff, who, along with MJ Gray, I can proudly say I blocked years ago after clocking their phony bullshit.)
The idea for this post struck me while I was scrolling through my Instagram stories and came across a guru-type man that I follow. He was talking about his attachment wounds and how he believes they’re interfering with his love life. I applaud the transparency. It’s the frequency with which he displays said transparency and the mediums he uses to do it.
Now, listen. We love a self-aware King. I believe we should applaud men for being attuned to their emotions and unhealed trauma. (Looking at you, Hot Priest from Fleabag.) But there’s a line for me between being authentically vulnerable and using parasocial intimacy as a business model, with the currency of choice being women’s emotional labor.
The Self-Sabotaging Avoidant With Intimacy Issues
If you’ve listened to any of my podcasts about newly engaged influencer Danielle Walter, you’ve heard me describe this kind of social media persona. They crave love, but do everything possible to ruin their chances at it once the opportunity arises. Their self-awareness is non-existent. These are the Kings of Emotional Sluttiness. I think it’s great that the love guru I follow understands what’s holding him back from forming a lasting connection with another person. For me, the turn-off is that he’s sharing this vulnerability with anyone with a smartphone. I’ve said in the past that vulnerability is earned. If you give it away to anyone, then it loses its value.
The Introspective But Wounded Philosopher
These men infuse their content with therapy-speak about setting boundaries or taking accountability. They conduct personal inventory and first-date post-mortems as part of their content strategy. A man like this doesn’t process his emotions and experiences so much as he performs them.
The Self-Obsessed Sad Clown
They think they’re emotionally intelligent because they read books and attend the opera or ballet. They’re usually of above-average attractiveness. Maybe even pedigreed with a degree from a top-tier school or job in a high-status industry. You know what they’re not? Interesting. They have the depth of a kiddie pool. Their reasons for rejecting people usually have to do with some made-up-in-their-head flaw, like the person is too attached to their pet or works for a non-profit. They’re a catch, you see. “Why can’t I find love?” they ask. Because you’re the worst. That’s why.
The Emotional Opportunist
These are the real threats because they weaponize transparency and self-awareness for personal gain. Being able to name and identify their emotions creates an illusion of safety, transforming followers into caretakers, always there with a figurative hanky in the form of a private message offering to lend an ear. They reassure him and offer advice. In return, they get an abbreviated version of The Boyfriend Experience. That customizable package includes check-in texts and flirty messages that always stay on the right side of platonic, so that when the inevitable “what are we” question comes up, they can say they never intended to lead the woman on and how sorry they feel that their wires got crossed, and they hope things can be salvaged because they’ve grown to love and appreciate the woman and her friendship. Fuck those guys.
It used to be that men used dating apps for free therapy. Now they’re using Threads and TikTok. Only now, the audience is bigger and the validation is endless.
To avoid falling for this kind of emotional bait-and-switch, listen to the free companion podcast episode, where I’ll talk about how to spot the difference between authentic vulnerability and performative oversharing.
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