Signs Your Situationship Needs To End
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Why do so many men want more than one sexual partner at the same time? I’m okay with the FWB thing but only with one partner.
Let’s be honest…FWB arrangements have a short life-span. They’re supposed to, anyway. Relationships like this are supposed to act as buffers for people while they are in-between committed relationships. Instead, people have been using these scenarios in place of full-fledged exclusive relationships.
There’s nothing wrong with these sorts of set-ups. They can work if boundaries are clearly stated and understood. Of course, the success of an FWB hinges upon both parties not “catching feelings” (a phrase that gives me the icks.) I had an FWB for about 10 years that I knew I would never want to date. He was a Upper East Side rich kid with no sense of responsibility. His life was constant chaos. But he never lied to me. He never led me to believe we were something we weren’t. That’s why it lasted. He’s still a friend, though we haven’t slept together in many years. The boundaries were always clear.
Like any other relationship, FWBs (or as they’re known these days - situationships) require maintenance. Check-ins, if you will. Are they dating anyone else? Will things be changing any time soon? Are there any concerns? It’s always good to know where you stand.
When situationships begin to unravel is when people begin treating these scenarios like they’re actual relationships. Sure, there’s the ocassional “let’s get drinks/dinner” stuff you do, sometimes you stay overnight, but there’s a line. When people start incoporating relationship-esque milstones like meeting friends, traveling together, checking in every day, the water becomes murky and tricky to navigate. Let’s be clear: These are romantic relationships in their purest form. All that’s missing is a verbalized and agreed upon pledge to forego anyone else.
So one person goes along thinking things are headed one way, the other assumes things will take a different path. Problem is, they never communicate what that path to their partner and end up blindisding them.
The real kicker is when you find out you’re not the only one they’re hooking up with. Or, at least, they don’t want you to be. I don’t think it’s that men want to have multiple partners so much as I think they want the option to have multiple partners.
If you find yourself in an casual situation and are only comfortable with it if you believe they aren’t sleeping with anyone else, that’s not a good sign. It means yo’re either jealous or growing possessive. Neither are positive traits. That position needs to be examined. Situationship aren’t supposed to impose those kinds of boundaries. They shouldn’t feel the need to. As long as their needs are being met in a respectful way, it shouldn’t matter what your Situationship is doing when not with you.
You also need to watch out for feelings of dependency. If you’re mood is affected by whether or not they respond to a text or make plans to see you, Molly you in danger, girl.
Once those kinds of feelings start creeping in, it’s time for introspection. Is this person bettering your life in some way? A way you can not provide for yourself?
Yes? Awesome! Pass Go. Collect $200.
No? Well then. What are you for, sir??
Here’s the real question: Are they beginning to be the source of frequent rumination? That’s when you need to throw that flag on the field and call a time out. Not with them. With yourself.
Devoting excessive thought to your FWB means you’re getting attached. Now, some people can handle that. I was not one of them. I often told myself I was A-okay with casual situations like this. As an avoidant, I pursued these kinds of relationships because they would lead me down a path of self-destruction, emotionally crippling me, and confirming that my original beliefs were correct and I should stay single and not put myself out there.
We jump into these relationships without examining how they might affect us. That’s the stumbling block here. We leap without looking, assuring ourself we can handle the inevitable end of the relationship. The problem is: We don’t know what our emotional state will be at the time things dissolve. What if we’re not in a good emotional headspace?
Before you enter into an FWB - or really any casual dating relationship - ask yourself these questions:
Why am I in this situation?
What limitations do I have that might make this toxic for me?
What are my boundaries?
Why needs does it need to meet in order to be healthy and productive for me?
What will trigger me and why?
What will my self-care strategy be if I learn they’ve started dating someone or I develop feelings and they don’t want more?
When it ends will I emotionally withdraw or regress in any way?
It sounds like a lot of introspection because it is. It’s the one thing we rarely do before we jump head first into a new relation/situationship.
Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. That way, if it happens, you won’t be knocked out of the game or too badly banged up to keep going.