Signs Your Date Is A Predator
Forget boys will be boys. Some of these moves could have dangerous consequences.
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Can you discuss more methods predators use to hook women? Trigger warning: Recently, my coworker coerced me into having a sexual encounter with him, sent me inappropriate texts requesting favors, and threatened to take me off a project at work. HR barely investigated it and won’t update me. He resigned on his own accord. How do you suggest I deal with this, and how can we help other women in similar situations in their personal and professional lives?
The miserable thing is it’s difficult to avoid these situations altogether. There’s always going to be a man who thinks he’s entitled to a woman’s body, and there’s always going to be a system that protects him.
If inappropriate behavior happens on a date, the woman’s primary focus is getting away unharmed. When these unethical interactions occur at work, a woman fears for her safety and livelihood. I could suggest women leave situations where they’re harassed, but that would be reductive. It’s not that easy. They must consider their finances, career trajectory, and potential for bodily harm.
The best advice I can give is not to feel compelled to give someone a second chance, regardless of the setting. If you think they’re being inappropriate, they probably are. Some people make predatory moves that we’ve long dismissed as harmless when they’re not. Regarding dating, here are some red flags to look out for.
They invite you to their place for the first/second/third date.
During COVID, many people took advantage of the fact we were told to stay indoors and social distance. Men looking for a quick hook-up would suggest a glass of wine at their apartment, citing that restaurants and other similar venues were closed or had limited seating. Please don’t fall for the tried and true “let me make you dinner” invite. When extended early in the relationship, say the first few dates, it’s done to expedite intimacy. They’re hoping you’ll be flattered by their offer to make an entire meal for you and let your guard down. They’re not going out of their way. They’re cooking for themselves. They’re just adding in a little extra for you. Someone who tries to have a home-court advantage like that on the first date is suspicious. They know the layout of their apartment, what doors lock or don’t, when neighbors aren’t home, etc. They invite you into their home early because a) they’re cheap and lazy, and b) it will be easier to convince, if not coerce, you to sleep with them. You’re vulnerable in a stranger’s home, with nobody around to assist you should trouble to arise. The caveat, of course, is if you know someone well already, they’ve earned your trust, and you have a solid sense of their character.
They ask to use your bathroom when they see you home.
Remember how Ted Bundy used to lure women into his car by wearing a cast? Saying they need to urinate is similar in making them appear disarming and less threatening. They’re banking on the fact you won’t deny them and risk looking insensitive. Especially if they can sense you’re interested in another date. This isn’t simply a case of a guy trying to be slick. This exercise makes it more difficult for you to say goodnight and send them on their way. Men who pull this are aware many women are uncomfortable having a strange man of any kind in their dwelling when alone. These men are bypassing that apparent fear in favor of their agenda. They know you’re uncomfortable. They don’t care.
They plan a date located uncomfortably close to their apartment.
It would be best if you always planned the first few dates in a public venue that’s centrally located for both of you. You do not want to meet someone unwilling to exert themselves. If they’re sincere about wanting a relationship, they will prove they care what kind of impression they’re making and invest effort. In this scenario, the person whose home you’re close to will be dissatisfied with the pricing, menu, or service at a location and suggest you take things back to their place to order takeout. Or they might excitedly tell you about their dog or gaming station they’re just dying to show you. What’s genuinely gross about this is they wait until you’ve had a drink or two to suggest the move. Once you’re there, they’ll explain why you should stay just five more minutes. By then, it’s late enough you’re uneasy being on mass transportation alone or too tired to trudge outside and into a car service.
They miss their train.
No, they didn’t. They have that departure schedule memorized. If they don’t, they should. They planned it that way if they were not on that last train. They “accidentally” forget when the last train departs, hoping you’ll invite them to crash at your place. Once again, they’re expecting their date to say yes so as not to be perceived as unfeeling. It’s pure manipulation.
They encroach upon your personal space without consent.
Many pick-up style blogs and Tik Tok creators advise men to sit by their date’s side rather than across from them. Not only is this an awkward position, but it gives your date closer proximity to your body, enabling them to touch you on your legs, back, and arms and say it was accidental. If you’re standing up, they might take one too many steps closer, blocking your view of the door or a path to walk away.
I can’t stress enough that in all of these examples, your date is aware they’re putting you on the spot. They’re aware of the possibility they might turn you off. That truth alone is enough to deny them another date. If they’re not showing you they care about your comfort and safety, they’re beneath your level and should be left there.