Just Because He Acts Nice Doesn't Mean He's Not A Creep
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Thank you both I'm loving the content on the show! A new dating story below... Met a guy, 43M, at a bar for a first date (I'm 36F) on a Friday evening. Over the drink, I decided I liked his energy, was enjoying his company, and our discussion. He ordered a second drink but I was driving so just had water. I was surprised when he put his hand over my hand, worried it was too soon for physical contact but felt conflicted because I actually liked it, it felt warm and natural and not weird in the moment. Later when he tried to kiss me I told him it was too fast for me, he apologised and said "he should have asked first." I offered to pay - he let me. He walked me to my car and at that point he did ask if it was okay to kiss me goodnight.
I left feeling like he gave me love bomb vibes, but also seemed to show acknowledgment of boundaries, so I told him I would like to see him again. He asked when I was free again, and we decided to meet again on Sunday night only because of our parent responsibilities between us over the next week, not because he pushed for another date so soon. But then he suggested we cook dinner at his place and I immediately said no, that was too soon for me, and would like to meet out somewhere. His response "Totally okay, thank you for telling me, we can go out somewhere" So met for dinner, and again, I like being around him, listening to the way he talks about work, school memories and family (no trauma stories so far). It wasn't all him and he didn't ask any prying questions about my life either.
Over the evening there was some hand holding and some kissing but nothing gropey. However towards the end of dinner he pulled out his phone and told me he'd decided he wasn't interested in pursuing anyone else at this point, and proceeded to show me deleting the dating app we matched on. I didn't like this, and told him after only two dates it was too soon for me to feel ready to make that decision, and I wasn't going to. He told me "he wasn't doing it to pressure me to do the same, he just wanted to show me where he was at." He paid this time, and we said goodnight. I noticed he said "goodnight darling" but I replied with just "goodnight his name" and got in my car and left.
I was caught up with a few things after I got home and didn't send him a text that I was home. He tried calling after an hour and when I didn't answer he sent a text "Assume you are home safe and you are probably busy, but could you let me know?" I didn't really like this, but I sent him a text and said yes I was busy and thank you for dinner, and I was home safe. I find his eagerness full on for the time we have spent together but I otherwise like him in a general sense. I realise I am quite triggered by any signs of coersion and control, and definitly know the "love bombing" tactics are a precusor to this type of relationship. The next day, Monday, I was working from home and it was late in the day when I get a call from him. Apparently, he decided to drive out to where I live, 30 mins from him, and was across the road. Alarm bells go off in my body so I told him I was not prepared for visitors and still working, and wished him a nice evening. I didn't go outside to see him. He said he thought it would be a nice romantic surprise, but that he understood. And left. After I calmed down I sent him a text stating "although I appreciate the gesture, I did not find him turning up unannounced to be romantic, at all, especially after two dates. I said if we are going to continue then I need things to slow the hell down."
I honestly can't tell if this man is genuine, and he may have social awareness/impulse/mental health conditions... or not...and how to respond to him. He did* apologise and acknowledge his behaviour was out of line. And I know manipulative people tend to respond poorly to being told no. So I am not sure he is. But his apology also seems over the top? Which is in line with how he's been from the beginning. Over the top. I am trying to state my boundaries clearly and not fall for anything "too good to be true" and if he stops behaving like a psycho, I would actually be interested in getting to know him at a slow, slow pace. PS (the phone line is actually really bad where I live)
if he stops behaving like a psycho, I would actually be interested in getting to know him at a slow, slow pace.
At no time should “if he stops acting like a psycho” and “I’d consider dating him” be included in the same thought.
Multiple times throughout this story you communicated to him that he was moving too fast. Just because he didn’t explode or become aggressive in response doesn’t mean he wasn’t pushing back on the boundaries you were setting. You’ve stated the same boundary multiple times now and he’s still not getting it.
He’s moving too fast for your comfort level. That’s all the information he needs. Could he have an anxious attachment style? Sure but that’s not your responsibility. It’s admirable you’re showing him grace by considering if his behavior is related to neurodivergence or mental illness. Even if that’s the case, you are not obligated to give him chance after chance. It’s his job as an adult to learn how to navigate interpersonal relationships.
As you said, every gesture this man makes is over the top. Making a show of deleting his apps comes off as performative. Whether he’s love-bombing you or simply trying too hard doesn’t matter. What he’s doing makes you uncomfortable. He drove out of his way to be in your area, likely in the hopes you would invite him into your home. At every turn, this man is disregarding your boundaries and personal safety. You’re looking at this through a clouded lens. When you find yourself thinking, “He’s nice, but…” it’s time to step outside of the situation and look at it more objectively.
In this week’s podcast, we talk about how men need to start empathizing more with women.
Specifically in situations where they come across as predatory. By repeatedly acting in an aggressive manner, this man demonstrated your comfort is not a priority to him. Most importantly, understand he’s not simply acting clueless. He knows what is appropriate and what isn’t. He just doesn’t care. His agenda - whatever that may be - takes priority over ensuring you feel safe.
Never overlook that.
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