Dating App Rejection, Dopamine & Soul Mates
Sometimes the only thing more confusing than modern love is Plato drunk on mimosas. đď¸đđž
Dealing with dating app rejection
I am 43, female, have a graduate degree, employed, own my house, have one great son, financially stable, and kind and nice to men I interact with on dating apps. I have been told I am attractive ("hot"). I do turn down men on online dating apps (for things like being rude, unemployed, not being single, saying inappropriate things, etc.); however, anytime I am interested in a man I find desirable (intelligent, employed, single, funny, etc.), I get rejected. I am curious what others are dealing with. Any words of wisdom. Thank you!
Hereâs the reality of the situation.
If you find certain men attractive, other women probably do, too, especially on dating apps, where the bar is in hell. Men are given points just for filling out their profile and not posting a shirtless selfie. Our minds trick us into believing the man we see before us is more interesting and attractive than he is.
This creates a false sense of the menâs desirability and convinces them they have limitless options. As a result, these men delude themselves into believing theyâre more of a catch than they actually are, and they are more selective than warranted.
Culturally, men are not encouraged to settle. Theyâre conditioned to believe that their value is tied to the illusion of success, i.e., a high-paying job, a position of perceived power, or an atypically attractive partner. Women who date men often accept less than they deserve because society hammers into our heads that male attention and validation trump emotional fulfillment and financial/professional success. Men hold out for something âbetterâ because society has permitted them to do so.
In summary, this woman swipes right on men with an abundance of options on dating apps (but not necessarily in real life). Her lack of success on the apps is not a reflection on her. Itâs a by-product of the patriarchy and the Paradox of Choice.
So, whatâs the solution?
Diversify - Add a few âmaybesâ to your portfolio. By that, I mean swipe right on people who donât immediately grab you. That is, as long as you donât find them or their profiles offensive.
Add some dopamine hits to your profile. Add things to your profile that light up a potential matchâs reward system. Identify patterns in other profiles and switch it up. Open with a joke or fun fact. Feel free to use fragmented sentences. Ask questions. The goal isnât to be better; itâs to be different and break up the monotony. Make readers feel seen by tapping into their feelings. âIf you tear up at ASPCA commercials, laugh a little too hard at Dad jokes, and still believe the lid to your pot is out there, swipe right.â Upload pictures that have a story behind them. Our brains are more responsive to moments than poses.
Log in and update your profile regularly. Everything you do on a dating app creates data, which is then used to monetize the platform. The more active you are, the more the algorithm will do to keep you engaged. They must appeal to your preferences just enough that you donât stop using the app.
Invest in people who show interest first. Remember, dating apps are first and foremost a business. They donât generate revenue if people join, fall in love, and uninstall. They want you to get frustrated enough to pay for add-ons like Super Likes and boosts. Youâre not as many matches as youâd like because they want you to spend more money. The only option you should pay for is the ability to see who has viewed, liked, or swiped on your profile. You appeared in their search stack because you fit their selected preferences. Those people are looking for you. Youâll probably reject ninety percent of them, but it only takes one.
Rejection on dating apps isnât personalâitâs algorithmic, cultural, and often rooted in delusion (theirs, not yours). If you're showing up with substance, stability, and sincerity, you're already ahead of the game. The men who overlook you arenât your peopleâtheyâre just passing pixels. So keep your standards, but donât let the apps define your worth. Dating apps are a tool, not a mirror. Youâre not failingâyouâre filtering. Keep showing up, stay curious, and remember: the right connection wonât need convincing.
Did she miss out on meeting her soul mate?
I canât stop ruminating on the past wondering which mistake/mistake I made led to me missing out on my soulmate. If Iâd moved to that city instead of this one, taken a different job, went to an event one night, not dated all the guys who ended up treating me poorly, would I be with him now? Who is he? When/where/how was I supposed to meet him? It feels too late for me now, since men close to my age are all already taken, walking red flags, and/or want a woman in their 20s.
Picture it: Greece, 385 BC. Many male philosophers and playwrights gathered for brunch or whatever the equivalent was in those times. One by one, these men give their hot takes on what they believe love is and why itâs a necessary component for happiness.
Once everybody has taken advantage of the bottomless mimosas, Aristophanes slurs his way through a story about how humans were once four-armed, four-legged blobs split in half by the gods, who then roamed the earth seeking completion in their other half.
Each of us, then, is a âmatching halfâ of a human whole... and each of us is always seeking the half that matches him. - Platoâs Symposium
That is the origin of the soul mate myth. Itâs also the origin of the Fuck That Guy concept, because fuck that guy. Blobs? Seriously?
To quote Miranda Hobbes, âAnd if you donât find him, what!, youâre incomplete?, itâs so dangerous!â
From early childhood, women are force-fed that there is someone out there just for them. This belief is supported by books, movies, and well-meaning but annoying friends and relatives. When a woman struggles to meet her other blobby half, she assumes (like we often do) that itâs her fault. Men are not aggressively confronted with such messaging.
I feel for this woman. Sheâs grieving a life she thought sheâd have. One that was interrupted by illness and toxic dating patterns created by dysfunctional men. (Like Aristophanes up there. Blobs? REALLY?) She and many women donât understand that she could have done everything right and still not met the right person.
Weâve been sold a false promise. Weâre told that if we fix everything, learn to love ourselves, and make the right choices, we will be rewarded with a loving relationship. We donât apply this reasoning universally because we know itâs untrue. Someone could work their ass off at a job and be the best candidate for a promotions and still be passed over. We can live a healthy lifestyle and still get cancer. These examples routinely crop up in our lives and those of people close to us, yet we still believe that if we do enough journaling and therapy, weâll meet the love of our lives. Does doing the inner work help our chances of finding a partner? Yes. Can we meet that one special person without jumping through all those hoops? Also yes. It all comes down to timing and luck. Two things we can not control.
All we can do is keep showing up while working to be the best version of ourselves and building a life we decide is fulfilling. Ideally, along the way, we figure out that even if we never meet that person, weâre okay. In a world that wants women to hate themselves, liking who we are should be the accomplishment we strive for most.