Closing The Loop

Why do I keep tearing open this wound?

I first learned about repetition compulsion while studying for my certification in trauma recovery. At the time, I didn’t fully get it. But once I did? It hit hard.

It’s not weakness—it’s the brain trying to heal. Trying to recreate what hurt us so we can finally get the ending we needed.

When I looked at my relationship patterns through that lens, everything shifted. I wasn’t just choosing the “wrong people.” I was trying to earn love from people who reminded me of those who hurt me.

Lately, I’ve been wondering if I’m doing the same thing through performing end-of-life care for senior dogs—especially with Sam. She’s 17, and I know I’ll be saying goodbye soon. Possibly even in a few days.

I’ve been asking myself:

What loop am I trying to close by staying close through the hardest parts?

What part of my younger self am I trying to comfort?

Why do I keep choosing to open this wound?

Maybe this is how I show up for the child who didn’t get held in her own grief.

Maybe i'm providing the care that I didn't receive when I was vulnerable.

Or maybe i'm just hoping that if I say goodbye enough, it won't emotionally devastate me.

Or is it because my brain understands grief, and so it gravitates towards it.

I haven't quite figured it out yet.

#RepetitionCompulsion #TraumaHealing #InnerChildWork #PetLossSupport #griefshare #MentalHealthAwareness #traumarecoveryjourney