Beware The Man That Doesn't Value You Your Time

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My recent strategy for going on on first dates/meets is to have a phone call first and if I find the conversation engaging, and I like the energy between us, I am curious to continue in person. I am almost always the one to ask "would you like to meet for coffee? Are you free on (day and time) etc" I like to save the more traditional drinks/dinner dates for once I know I like the company of the person and there is mutual interest from them.

I (36F) had a phone call with a gentleman (40M) and found myself laughing and energized talking to them and arranged to meet for coffee on a Saturday afternoon. We are both full-time single parents of teenagers. We talked and went for a stroll around a park and I felt relaxed, and laughed, there was some physical chemistry and nothing uncomfortable or weird. I told him at the end I was interested in seeing him again if he would like to go out again. He said he definitely felt the same. He called me later that night saying he wanted to talk to me again and felt happy he'd met me. The next morning he texted and asked if I would like him to come over to help me with the gardening that I had mentioned I was doing. I replied I would like to go out on a few more dates before taking that step, but it was sweet of him to offer. He responded with a "no problem at all." The next night he phoned me again and we talked for nearly an hour and I said, when are we going to see each other again? Would you like to make a plan? He said yes and to let him know my schedule (I did) and that he'd think of something.

He continued to text/call over next couple of days. But I noticed he didn't make a plan. One evening he even called saying he had thought he'd seen my car on the side of the road and did I need any help? And that if I ever did I could call him (I felt outraged and a little flattered) More texts continued including a video message the next day "good morning hope you have a great day" to which I responded - "I loved your video message you sent but my question is when are we going out again so I can see you in person? :P" He texted he was "working on it lol"

By that evening when he texted me yet another "how was your day" and the next morning another "good morning" I felt annoyed. My text response "I really enjoyed meeting you last weekend! At this point I am starting to feel confused where things are headed as there has been no further plans to meet again? I would love for you to get back in touch with me if/when you feel ready to make a plan to go out/date."

Was it too quick or unfair of me to respond like this? He has replied since and asked me to talk with him on the phone about it but I feel like if he truly wanted to spend time with me and go out with me...he would have put action in place to make it happen? If we do end up going on a second date have I now made everything weird?

You didn’t make anything weird. He did.

There’s no excuse for his inaction regarding planning the next date. You did everything right. You explicitly communicated your interest, you held firm to your boundaries, and you gave him one chance to rectify the situation.

If it’s his schedule that’s the problem, he should communicate that. That he expects you to wait around while he does something as mundane as picking a date and time is extraordinarily selfish.

If this happens in the future and a man says he’s interested in a second date, tell him you look forward to meeting up again and that he should contact you when he has a specific plan - including date, time, and location - in mind. Then disengage. If you continue to exchange messages, he’s going to use that to his advantage to buy himself time. Time for what you ask? Time for exploring his options.

That’s what this whole “pull-away phase” is. Men aren’t distancing themselves because they’re trying to sort out their feelings. When they put that much of a gap in between conversation and dates, it’s to see what else is out there. When they return it’s not because they had an epiphany and realized you were Their Person. It’s because they a) couldn’t find anyone else or b) were rejected by their first choice. Ignore any coach that encourages women to let men just drift away like an astronaut in space and busy themselves while the man mentally prepares to commit. Women who do that often end up with men that didn’t choose them but settled for them.

Men who are available and reasonably emotionally mature don’t pull away or allow for long lapses early in a relationship. The men that do are immature and selfish. Men who are open and ready for a relationship understand the importance of maintaining momentum. The fact this guy is dragging his feet proves he’s not at all concerned about losing you. That’s how you know where you stand.

A man doesn’t have to know after a couple of dates you’re The One. Anybody who does come to that conclusion in such a short window of time usually is eager to settle down and has very low standards. You can not get a sense of someone’s character that quickly.

One of two things is going on here:

1. He’s exploring his options which demonstrates his indifference to losing you.

2. He’s not ready for a relationship.

The minute someone shows they don’t value your time that’s the cue to leave.

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