Beware The First Date Future Faker

SEP 15 - MASTER ONLINE DATING ZOOM WORKSHOP

In this online class we’ll discuss:

• How to "game the system" to get your profile in front of the right people.

• How to spot scammers and abusers

• How to tell if your match is emotionally available or just looking for a hook up

• Effective Messaging Techniques

And more…

I matched with a guy and we had our first date which went well until he started getting very touchy. He asked if he could come home with me I said no and he insisted a little bit before I ended the date. We had already planned a second date for the weekend but he asked to see me the following day. I figured he would try harder to sleep with me again and I told him that while I thought we had great chemistry and I liked him, the emphasis on sex early on made me very uncomfortable. I reiterated that I was looking for a relationship and wanted to move slowly to build something meaningful with someone and I cancelled our second date.

A few weeks later he reached out and said that he understood where I was coming from and he couldn’t stop thinking about me and the connection we had and asked to meet up again. We had dinner and it went well. For our third date we did a day trip and it was amazing. He was very thoughtful about the whole thing and planned every detail. When he dropped me off he asked to come in and I said no. He’s tried to see me everyday since and every time I say I can’t (which is true) he makes me feel very guilty. While I really want to see him I’m feeling very overwhelmed.

We have an amazing connection but the constant requests to meet up are tiring and I get anxiety about him trying to have sex again. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know if he truly likes me or see having sex with me as a challenge.

I matched with a guy and we had our first date which went well until he started getting very touchy.

Here’s the first boundary cross. He should be keeping is grimy paws off you unless you’ve consented to be touched. He doesn’t get to grope you because he feels like it. It doesn’t matter what he’s done or how much money he’s spent. Only you get to decide when anyone - man or woman - can encroach upon your physical space.

We had already planned a second date for the weekend but he asked to see me the following day.

This right here? This - combined with his unwillingness to respect your boundaries - is a red flag. (Independently it’s not that big of a deal.) The first date isn’t even over yet and he’s already planning/suggesting the next date. I know many people will tell me I’m crazy for thinking this is problematic, but hear me out.

This is called future faking. It’s a very common tactic used by narcissists and other manipulative types of people to get what they want. It’s used to create a false sense of security. “Oh, well he’s already asked me out again. That means he likes me. I can sleep with him and not worry he’ll ghost.”

Wrong.

When you didn’t agree to go home with him, he planned another date. This time for the following night. This is where your critical thinking kicks in. What’s the urgency? Why is this guy trying to book so many dates in one week?

The likely answer is he’s trying to get in a certain number of dates he believes you need to have before you’ll feel comfortable having sex.

A few weeks later he reached out and said that he understood where I was coming from

Oh? If that’s the case, why did it take him so long to come around and see your point of view? A mature adult would have taken no for an answer the first time you said it. He shouldn’t have needed to ponder the situation. The answer should have been obvious.

he couldn’t stop thinking about me and the connection we had

What’s that now? The amazing connection after one date, a date where he made you increasingly more uncomfortable as the night went on? So, in addition to being selfish and self-absorbed, he also lacks self-awareness. Cool cool cool.

He was very thoughtful about the whole thing and planned every detail.

Bare minimum alert! If he suggested the date he should have planned every detail. He should have been thoughtful. Being thoughtful should come naturally to him. If he has to make a concerted effort to be thoughtful he’s not a good person.

When he dropped me off he asked to come in and I said no.

Boy oh boy. He just doesn’t quit, does he? He’s incapable of just sitting back and following your lead - which is how men should act in these scenarios.

He’s tried to see me everyday since and every time I say I can’t (which is true) he makes me feel very guilty.

That’s all you need to know this situation isn’t right. It’s not that you and he are a bad fit. It’s that he sucks. Someone who cared about you wouldn’t behave in a way that makes you feel pressured or guilty. He’s repeatedly dismissing and disregarding your feelings because his ego is bruised. Or because he’s a creepy dude who can’t get laid because he’s a creepy dude.

I don’t know if he truly likes me or see having sex with me as a challenge.

Could he see you as a challenge? Sure! However, that’s not a good thing. There’s a difference between being valued for who you are and being considered a prize to be won. A prize is an item. A thing. Something that has an assigned value.

You are not a thing. You are a human being. You are priceless.

You shouldn’t have to wonder if someone truly likes you. In fact, if you do have to wonder, they probably don’t. When you’re with someone that values you, they demonstrate how they feel not by planning dates or buying dinner but by showing making you feel safe. That’s what we do with anything we value - we make sure we don’t lose or break it. We protect it.

This man isn’t doing any of those things. He’s making you feel fragile and unsteady.

Someone who valued you would not make you feel like that.