At What Point Do You Settle?

I'm 47 yo, chronically single, have always wanted a relationship. Just haven't met the one for me yet I guess. At what point do I settle for a great guy but no attraction? I vacation and hang out in groups with my bil's best friend, my bil and my sister. He's single, has his shit together and is really a great guy but I'm not attracted to him....at all. He may not be interested in me at all but sometimes I think that maybe I should shoot my shot and see how it goes. Maybe attraction at my age is too much to ask for or not what it's cracked up to be. So tired of dating apps. 🤷‍♀️

What I think you need to establish what it is you think a relationship can provide for you that you can not provide for yourself. I’m not going to tell you to love yourself more because that’s bullshit. You can love yourself entirely and enjoy your own company and still struggle to find a partner. People who say things like this love weaponizing shame. It’s a way to make a woman feel guilty for having standards.

If sex is a substantial part of that equation and casual dating/sex isn’t your thing then you definitely shouldn’t settle. Physical attraction is key for a fulfilling sex life.

If it’s companionship you prioritize and sex is lower on the list, then…YOU STILL SHOULDN’T SETTLE. Not in the area of compatibility, at least. It’s great that you get on with your brother-in-law’s friend, but you don’t want to just get along with a partner. You want to truly enjoy their company even when you’re doing nothing. I think a better word for settling is “re-evaluating.” Re-evaluating implies a level of control that “settling” doesn’t provide.

With all that in mind, please understand something: Pretty much everybody settles in some way. Nobody will admit it or say it in that way, but it’s true. There is nobody out there who found a partner that ticked every single box. What you need to do is prioritize, from most to least, what qualities you don’t just require in a partner but a relationship. I’m talking really dig in here and determine what you need and what you can live without. Re-evaluate what you want, what you’re looking for and - most importantly - why. I’m talking real introspection, here. Are there areas where you feel comfortable making some adustments? Better yet, is a relationship with someone else truly what you need? Can you fill what ever voids you think you have in your life in other ways?

Finally, examine your patterns. What has worked? What hasn’t? Are you going for certain men that never seem to return your interest? Examine and try to objectively analyze those choices.

Here’s the real nugget of wisdom…

There’s a real chance that nothing has worked out because you haven’t wanted it to. Maybe you don’t want a relationship at all but have been brainwashed into believing you do. Consider that for a minute.

It’s okay if you you just want to stop looking. You didn’t fail at anything. You just chose your emotional well-being over a man. There’s nothing shameful about that.

You don’t want to just pick a guy and shoot your shot because the alternative - being alone - seems worse.

There’s plenty benefits to reap on both ends of the spectrum.